Ranadok …doesn't have much better to do

Is Smallville Getting Better?

Well... perhaps. It's been a month since I last watched Smallville, and I have watched five episodes over the last few days. The show has always had its ups and downs, and these episodes certainly seem to show that it is in an upswing at the moment. Time will tell if it is a long-term one or not.

Of course, the obvious followup to the question in the title is this: is Smallville any good? The answer to that is no. It is not good. It has miles to go before it could even be classified as 'alright, I guess'. Just to put things in perspective. It may be better than Heroes, though.

Here are the five episodes that I watched, along with me pointing out why they were so very very bad. Plus! A bonus idiotic computer moment for each episode!

Smallville Season 9 Episode 5: The Whiny Billionaire's Self-Destructive Tendencies Strike!

So basically, Oliver get stuck in a crazy 'game' where people hunt him, try to kill him, and try to steal all his money. The only reason he doesn't end up both broke and dead (seriously, he acts like a brain dead moron the whole time) is because the whole thing is being orchestrated by (gasp!) Chloe in one of those crazy 'make him realize what's worth fighting for' gambits that is all the rage with the kids these days. And while Oliver is being tormented all across town, Clark tried to save people without Lois finding out while they watch Jaws by running off to save people while he's off to get popcorn and whatnot. Hi-larious.

Honestly, the concept of this episode wasn't that bad, and could have even been quite good if it were better written and better acted and on a better show. The Smallville writers and actors just don't have the ability to make it work.

Bonus idiotic computer moment of the day: Oliver's bank account being 'drained' right before his dopey eyes with the numbers beeping and counting down from 3 billion dollars to zero in his online banking (which he accessed from a computer given to him by a random man that claimed to be an FBI agent concerned that his money would be stolen - see what I mean about being a moron?).

Smallville Season 9 Episode 6: The Early Morning Show Fluff Piece Strikes!

Lois tries out for some early morning TV host job, and the producers figure that (of course) they'll only hire her if she stays in a team with Clark (who is comically unprepared for TV). Their first show for some reason revolves around them both getting blind dates, and much jealous relationship-based whining follows with Oliver getting mixed in somehow.

And Zod appears again, but as the head of some organization that is doing business with Luthor Corp for some reason, allowing him to drop in one of She-Lex's business announcements and slur his way through a toast with not-so-subtle hidden meaning. Smallville, where superheroes and villains battle through corporate partnerships and hostile takeovers! And She-Lex brutally kills a random Kandorian that 'infiltrated' the Luthor household crack security squad.

Thirdly, Oliver, back on the 'not an suicidal moron' wagon, finds some random street fighter/hooker and decides to train her to be his sidekick or something (I assume, as she seems to be a direct Smallvilleized version of the second Speedy).

Bonus idiotic computer moment of the episode: The entire Chloe subplot where she is in a 'hacking war' with She-Lex's Not-Chloe (complete with flashing red FIREWALL #28 DISABLED and ACCESS DENIED messages). He keeps putting up firewalls as fast as she can break through them! Oh, no! And after 99 firewalls, what does he have? A video taunting her, telling Chloe that he can keep going all night. Chloe's response? Grab his fingerprints FROM THE BLURRY WEB VIDEO which somehow solves the problem.

Smallville Season 9 Episode 7: The Clones Strike!

An actual (mostly sorta) good episode! Long story short, it explains the origin of the Zod Squad. Turns out they are clones of Zod's soldiers intended as a kind of ark (a 'bottle', for this episode's obligatory comic shout-out/warping) in case the planet somehow were to get all blowed up. This episode is told largely in flashbacks, focusing on Zod and Jor-El and their friendship.

The modern-day part of the episode revolved around the Jor-El clone reappearing and everyone fighting over and trying to kill him, ending up in him falling dead in Clark's arms the first time they meet (of course). The episode was pretty melodramatic when it didn't need to be, and still suffered from the bad acting/bad writing double team, but there was some actual good stuff in the Zod/Jor-El scenes (both past and present) and the Krypton stuff in general was done quite well (though the judging scene was a little less epic than the one in the movie it was based on).

Finally, Zod learns that Clark has the actual powers, not the (now dead) Jor-El. I thought he already knew that, but I haven't really been paying attention, I guess.

Bonus idiotic computer moment of the episode: No real computer moments at all in this episode, though the idea that a fully-functional clone including memories could be made from a single quick blood sample is a little odd (though being crazy Kryptonian technology lets them off somewhat).

Smallville Season 9 Episode 8: The Incompetent Misguided Fans Strike!

So the Blur gets some imposters (the Smallville version of the Wonder Twins), who are tearing around the town screwing things up under the Blur's logo. Everyone blames him, and he gets all mopey. Also, they have a Blur Blog, which was totally my and Chris's idea way back in the season 5-6 break (Dear Blog, I'm still stuck in the Phantom Zone... There's still nothing going on here. I made a puppet out of one of my socks, but even he wouldn't talk to me.)

Meanwhile, some wacky technical issue means that Lois finds out that Clark is the Blur, and goes from hating him to being his most rabid supporter in about twelve seconds. Some stereotypical politician tries to kill her for it, Clark tries to save her without using powers, and the Wonder Twins actually save her. Lois assumes that means Clark actually has no powers Chloe calls Lois using the Blur voice while Clark is standing next to herand the status quo is restored (I knew it had to be one of the two.

Chloe also has a creepy "I'm all powerful and I listen in on all communications in the city, what are you going to do about it?" moment that I hope gets followed up on.

In the final scene, Lois kisses Clark, has a repeat of the red-tinted vision from the pilot where everyone dies, and blacks out. But much more importantly, CLARK FINALLY PUTS ON GLASSES.  It only took them nine years to get to this point, and it'll probably be ignored next episode, but it's a step.

Bonus idiotic computer moment of the episode: Lois's computer boots from no power to the desktop in literally less than a second. Neat.

Smallville Season 9 Episode 9: The Memory of the Future Strikes!

This episode is told mainly through Lois (in a coma) remembering that time that she went to the future between seasons. She-Lex steals Lois from the hospital to see what's in her brain (of course), and it takes her and Not-Chloe about a minute and two electrodes to get a full-color video of what Lois is remembering while she is in her coma.  This isn't enough for She-Lex, so she gets two electrodes of her own (with TWO INCH LONG SPIKES INTO HER TEMPLES) and 'syncs their brainwaves' to see directly what Lois is seeing.

It's a red-tinted post-apocalyptic wasteland in Metropolis. The Zod Squad has superpowers and have taken over the planet (not just The Planet). The Kent farm is a concentration camp for humans for some reason, and Clark is there. Zod tries to execute Lois and Clark, She-Lex tries to help him (as she has been doing all along, apparently), Chloe and Oliver swing in from the rafters and kill a bunch of folks (not including Zod) with Kryptonite arrows (Green Arrows, get it?). She-Lex wakes up in the present when Lois remembers her being buried.

The Future according to Smallville

About half-way through the episode (in the present) She-Lex shoots (but not kills) Not-Chloe for refusing to wipe Lois's brain. Clark shows up seconds later, tries to remove the spiky electrode thing from Lois and stabs himself in the palm (it works using Kryptonite for plot reasons) accidentally. This causes him to see (and experience) Lois's memories (hand, temple, it's all the nervous system, right?). There's some whining about Trust and Betrayal by pretty much everybody(the old Smallville standbys). The creepy part is that Lois next remembers having sex with Clark... so does that mean that Clark has memories of having sex with... himself?

Anyhow, there's some crazy plan to save the day, which causes the ninja Zoddie from the season premier to skewer Chloe with a sword of some sort, Zod gloats for a bit over Clark's beaten body, and basically everything falls to crap. Chloe takes down Zod's Towers of Doom just as Clark is about to die (with a time delayed computer virus), saving him and the world. Zod stabs Clark with a Kryptonite dagger and he dies anyhow. I admit it, I found that hilarious. Lois returns to the season premier, Clark wakes up in the present, and Gaeta (who suddenly arrived to be the resident doctor) saves the day with some handwaving that means that Lois no longer remembers all that future stuff (basically doing the thing that Not-Chloe got shot for refusing to do).

The lesson Clark takes from this snapshot of the future? Don't treat Zod like an enemy. Clark storms right into the middle of Zod and his Squad for a little chat. Brilliant tactician, there.

Not a terrible episode, all in all. The same problems as before, but I'm a sucker for these sorts of post-invasion resistance type of stories, even when not executed all that well.

Bonus idiotic computer moment of the episode: Chloe takes down the world-destroying Zod Squad towers with literally a single button press from her computer. Why this wasn't done before the world fell to Zod and Lois showed up is not explained.