Ranadok …doesn't have much better to do

Cyborgs, Zombies, and Telepaths… Yep, it’s Smallville

I was/am sick this week, so I'm couch-ridden and therefore all caught up on my TV watching. Sadly, that includes Smallville, which I have been carefully avoiding. Well, there are only so many old episodes of Mythbusters you can watch, so I had to dive into the soul-sucking depths of everyone's favorite superpower show that is still around somehow after nine seasons. Look out, everyone! It's a triple dose of Smallville, Smallville style! Smallville!

Smallville Season 9 Episode 2: The Glowing Robot Heart Man Strikes!

I was way off when I figured it would take them months to get to the Corben-Blur Mope-Off. They got to it the next episode in, who cares about character development! All we need to know is that the slightly jerkish guy was hit by a bus, got some shady surgery and is now EVIL!!! Plus he has a tacked on reason to HATE THE BLUR!!! IT'S PERSONAL!!!

Like this, but with less alcoholism

Really though, this episode was the standard Smallville fare. The Blur almost blew his cover because he went home to feed his creepy zombie dog and Chloe chewed him out for being such a waffling wuss. Moping abounded, Lois got herself in trouble through her own incompetence, Clark saved her, she fell unconsious for exactly the length of time it took for him to 'fight' the baddie (consisting mainly of a shouting match and a lame trick of his powers) and return to the shadows, blah, blah, blah.  There were some hints as to the larger season-long picture, but mostly the episode felt like the writers trying to get back to status quo as soon as possible (so yes, The Blur returns to the Planet and adopts Clark Kent as a disguise, even though it seems he thinks 'disguise' means 'necktie').

There was a new character introduced (I think he's new, at least). It seems that She-Lex went out and bought herself a Chloe knockoff to do things like 'extrapolate possible destinations', 'scale the firewalls at the hospital', and 'act like a cocky blowhard'.

There were a few (most likely unintentional) laughs about Brian Austen Greene (of Terminator-fighting fame) playing an insane killer cyborg with a Kryptonite heart and Gaeta playing someone warning about the danger of said cyborg, but they didn't last long. There were some amusing problems plotwise, though (would you really expect anything else?). For instance, Metallo went to the (surprisingly well lit) hospital at one point, freaked out when they tried to sedate him, and threw some orderlies through some convenient glass walls in slow-mo. The problems with this scene are two-fold. First, when he freaks out, the bio-readout thingy goes nutso (his levels are spiking, we need a sedative!) even though he clearly was just wheeled in from the ambulance and is not hooked up to anything. Second, he tears up the place and leaves right after that, but later Gaeta (and even later She-Lex's Not-Chloe) examines Metallo's x-rays, which could have never been taken unless chest x-rays are a standard procedure in Metropolis' ambulance fleet. Nice try, guys. At least the hospital has some new lightbulbs.

She-lex and Not-Chloe figure (via the impossible x-rays) that the lifesaving/disfiguring surgery on Metallo was done by the Zod Squad to test... something. The end up collecting the pieces after all is said and done (because Clark and Lois just left the kryptonite-powered killer cyborg lying around, naturally) and suggest that he could be turned on again in the future. Like that'll ever happen (Hint: it will happen).

Also, it seems that there's even more kryptonians (they kall them Kandorians, but same deal) scattered around the globe in Krypton family krest krop kircles. This, of course, includes yet another S-shield with yet another new relative of Klark Kent. Oh goody.

Smallville Season 9 Episode 3: The Zombies Strike!

Zombies in Metropolis. The Zod Squad made an airborne virus that turned Metropolis into zombies to draw out (who they think is) Jor-El. Chloe and Gaeta make an antidote out of Clark's blood and save everyone. Choose your zombie cliche of choice, throw it into Smallville, and call it a day. That's all you really need to know about this episode.

The only good part: Oliver taking out a zombie with a shotgun. Of course, that was just a single scene. He spent the rest of the time drinking in an alley.

I suppose I could also rant for a while about the idiotic nature of the zombie 'cure'. Why would putting it into the city water supply be a reasonable solution when the zombified people are very unlikely to worry about personal hygeine enough to take a shower? Also, seeding the clouds with it would only work if EVERYBODY in metropolis was outside while it was raining, which they clearly weren't, as the streets of the major city were completely empty save for Clark and Zombie-Lois (until a bunch of de-zombied people randomly appeared AFTER it had been raining for a few minutes).

Smallville Season 9 Episode 4: The Plot-Convenient Telepathy Strikes!

Clark gets telepathic powers. He uses it to get a date, then loses it at the time when it would be most useful. You know, because they've run out of powers that Superman is actually SUPPOSED to have to give to him and take away right when it would be the most useful. Oh, Smallville... you really know how to mix it up.

Oh, it was also an Oliver episode, so he spends pretty much the whole time being an annoying whiny pill.

So there you go.

I hope I never get sick again, that was brutal. Plus, you know, the headaches, upset stomachs, and all that other stuff.